
It Comes Down to This
Welcome to my room my kinky freaks, sex addicts, fap commandos, masturbation mercenaries, geeks, dorks and misfits. Pull up a chair and join the group. Bring your pussies, cocks, tits and ass, dildos, vibrators, plugs, and chaps. Wear leather, vinyl, cashews in your hair. Bring art supplies, baked pies, wave your dildos in the air. Bring all those extra nuts and bolts that remained after you changed your own breaks, and concepts that the critics all said would never fly. Don't be shy. Give it a try. Everyone's doing it. Try the left hand, try the right, maybe both. For the really dexterous, try your mouth. Nobody said it would be easy. No breakthroughs are. Some orgasms are the result of dogged determination. Do not let the naysayers get you down. When the sign says "one-way" take it as a mere suggestion. Would you follow a herd of sheep off a cliff? I think not. Take the chance. But check with your insurance agent first to make sure that you're covered for that. If they laugh at you, laugh at them back and hang up. Joke's on them. Measure twice, cut once? Perhaps. Or maybe take the risk and just free-hand it. But make sure you have plenty of lube. Coconut oil. Leave the 10W30 to the mechanics. Try it in a car, in the forest. Hook up with a guy named Boris. Go for the cock, run your fingers through his hair. Tell him he's hot. If a woman has an orgasm in the forest but her screams of ecstasy are drowned out by the sound of that tree that just fell that people ponder if it made a sound, did she really have it? I mean, Really? Where's the humanity? Think a bout it for a second. When you find the answer, let me know. Because, to be quite honest, I don't even know what the question is. But talk among yourselves. Take one, and pass it down. Make sure there is enough for everyone. Flesh it out. Be careful about fucking your father's Fleshlight. He could find out. But don't worry, just blame it on the cat. They can't talk, and they have all the time in the world to scheme. If you realized that you don't have a cat, I have the solution. 1) Catch your neighbor's cat (those logistics I will leave up to you) 2) Take pictures of it from all angles. 3) Bleach the cat's hair and give it a new color using you girlfriend's hair dye. Be creative here. 4) Say "check it out, I rescued a cat today. It must have used your Fleshlight. Naughty pussy" 5) The next day, change the cat's hair back to the original color(s). Tabbys can be challenging. Think tie-die technique. Refer to the pictures you took. 6) Return the cat to the neighbor's yard. 7) Tell your father that you had to get rid of the cat, because it got into your grandfather's collection of Penthouse magazines in the attic and got stains all over them. (Your secret is safe with me) 8) Resist the urge to use your father's Fleshlight next time. I can't bail you out again. I think fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. You may be thinking what??? Believe me brotha, I feel ya. But anyway, that's all water under the bridge, as they say. And by all means, be kind, rewind, and puff puff pass.
FAQ
Q: What is fap commando / masturbation mercenary?
A: This is that girl that cams with you and splits as soon as she cums, without so much as a thanks or bye. She's on a mission. She takes no prisoners. She gets in, gets it done, and gets out. Cuddle time is not an option.
Q: Are you a real dad?
A: Yes
Q: Can daddy pay you a nickel tomorrow for a tappin today?
A: Yes
Q: Why do you masturbate?
A: I do it to give a voice to all those quiet hidden-in-the-shadows orgasms that would otherwise never have seen the light of day
Words of Wisdom (The Product of 3 or 4 Random Words, from my viewers)
1) Few people will ever master the art of bedwetting, but as long as you place your trust in Batman, that fuckin' cunt, you'll be able to soar like an eagle.
2) Any harryassmotherfucker can strut down the street suckin on a lozenge, but for the real original gangsta, it's all about the brim of the hat.
3) Some call Batman a doofus, but that fool can make an Amazon delivery when the goin gets slippery.
Poetry
everybody....
....dance for daddy
make him proud
tell your story
in the form of an interpretive dance
like our forefathers
out in the woods
feathers
and leather
sticks and stones
dancing
together
like real men
antlers mounted on their heads
and a guy making popcorn
theres bound to be a performance at the end of the outing
just a bunch of men
leather and feathers and antlers and shit
dancing
out in the wilderness
performing for....
....nobody
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